Reaching For Normal Read online

  And then some.

  The morning after their first night together, he’d gone online again while she was still warm in his bed and checked out her claims.

  She hadn’t lied. A quick search of her name pulled up a ton of results. Links to articles she written for a wide variety of magazines. He’d even found the one about the sailor with hypothermia.

  None of her writing leaned toward sketchy news journalism. None of it was written for shock-value.

  Myla wrote about people sometimes but always based on interviews with the people.

  For the most part, especially in the last couple of years, she solely focused on tamer level adventures that could be enjoyed by Joe Average. No right-on-the-edge extreme sports. No death wish stuff.

  The articles he skimmed matched his Myla perfectly. Informative and fun. The woman could write.

  She’d found him at the computer, brought him coffee he hadn’t noticed her making and unlocked her phone and dropped it beside the computer. “Have a look at whatever you’d like.”

  So he’d looked at what he’d liked. And it wasn’t the phone or the computer. Instead, he’d tugged open his robe that she’d thrown on and looked his fill.

  Darby poked him with her finger, shaking him out of more memories he had no business reliving in front of his sister. Where had his control gone?

  Myla had shredded it.

  Shredded him.

  “Earth to Sawyer. Where’d you go?”

  Sawyer drained the sink and rinsed it out to give him a moment. “You doing okay, Darb? The B&B getting enough guests over the winter?”

  Of course, the change in direction didn’t fool her. Not much had since he’d been able to get her to help with his chores by convincing her she was too young to do them.

  The memory made him smile and he reached out and pulled Darby in for a hug. “Are you really okay, Darby? Things are good?”

  She returned his hug tenfold and held on tight. “I’m really okay.” She just held on for a bit. “You? How are you doing? Really?”

  He squeezed her again. “I’m good.”

  “Flashbacks?”

  He thought of the one in the woods. “Not often.”

  Darby wriggled away and moved the coffee machine to pour them both a cup. He’d never been in the kitchen when there wasn’t a fresh pot ready for him.

  She motioned him to a stool and started preparing a tray of desserts and baking she’d leave out in the front room for her guests.

  He snagged a chocolate chip cookie.

  “Did you want something else to eat? There are some leftovers.”

  He shook his head. “I’m taking Myla to Fortini’s.”

  Darby stilled for a moment. “Fortini’s? Nice.” But her tone said otherwise.

  “What’s wrong with Fortini’s. It’s the best restaurant in town.”

  She nodded her agreement. Best Italian food he’d ever found anywhere.

  “Are you sure you know what you’re doing with Myla?”

  He forced his thoughts to strictly PG because he sure knew what he was doing with her when they were alone. “What do you mean?”

  She shrugged and her pinks tinged. Tough talks had never been Darby’s thing which meant she was worried.

  “I don’t want either of you getting hurt.”

  “We’re having fun, Darby, that’s all. She’s great.”

  “She is. But she’s leaving soon.”

  Sawyer ignored the way his stomach dropped and his heart raced. “I know.”

  “Are you going to be okay with that? Both of you?”

  “Of course. We knew going in there was a time limit. It’s not like we’re planning to get married, Darby. Nothing but a bit of fun. It’s no big deal.”

  But he was starting to think it was a big deal.

  At least it was to him.

  #wheredidiputmyarmor?

  Myla grabbed onto the doorframe to steady herself.

  No big deal.

  Sawyer thought their relationship was no big deal.

  She wasn’t sure it could be any bigger of a deal to her.

  Needing to buy herself some time, Myla retreated back to the front entrance and sat on the stairs. Her shaky legs wouldn’t take her any further.

  Over the past few incredible days, she’d realized she wanted to stay. Bloo Moose had sucked her into its vortex. Friendly people who looked out for each other. Beautiful scenery.

  And Sawyer.

  Always Sawyer.

  Who didn’t want her to stay.

  He’d warned her at the beginning, worried that she might become attached because he was the first man she’d slept with.

  And she had become attached. Fully attached.

  She’d fallen in love. No matter how she tried to categorize her feelings, they couldn’t be attributed to anything but love.

  Sawyer had shown her nothing but kindness and respect since he’d found her standing in his driveway the other night back.

  They’d been inseparable.

  They’d made love too many times to count. But it wasn’t only that. They’d laughed, they’d talked, they’d spent time getting to know each other while not running from a crazy man.

  She knew he didn’t love her back yet but she’d hoped he wanted to see more of her, wanted to extend what they had.

  If she was being honest with herself, she wanted more time so that he’d fall in love with her. Surely what they had together wasn’t just a fling.

  This feeling was so big, so bright, so beautiful, it couldn’t be anything but love.

  She’d worked up her courage to tell him she was planning to stay in Bloo Moose at dinner tonight. To tell him she didn’t want to walk away from what they had. That she wanted to take a risk and take a chance.

  None of was going to happen now.

  She’d even bought her own snowshoes down at Quinn’s shop that morning, hoping he’d be pleased.

  Quinn had teased her about not being a winter virgin anymore. Little did he know that wasn’t the only virgin label she no longer owned. He had chatted happily about her and Sawyer like they were an ordinary couple.

  Nothing about their situation was ordinary.

  How was she going to get through dinner tonight?

  Part of her wanted to text him to cancel, to spend the night alone in her room.

  But the rest of her wanted to snag every available minute she had left with Sawyer.

  If she was going to be in love, she might as well enjoy the time she had left to experience it. She’d memorize every moment to savor later.

  Sawyer was working with some clients in the morning. She’d hold herself together through the evening and figure it out then.

  It wouldn’t be the first time she’d pretended her way through something difficult. All she had to do was forget she was in love.

  Clumsy Girl Dons Her Armor.

  SAWYER hadn’t told Myla his clients had canceled.

  He could have. He should have. But he hadn’t. He’d kept up the facade that he was a busy man. Important stuff to do.

  He was completely full of shit and he needed time to figure some of that shit out.

  Sawyer had only felt truly lost a few times in his life. When their parents had died. Watching Darby flounder in grief. That day in Afghanistan.

  And now.

  He didn’t have a clue what he was supposed to do next.

  Smile and wave as Myla walked away from him?

  Ask her to stay?

  Offer to go with her?

  Go live with the wolves?

  Instead, he decided to head into town and find out what Dave had discovered about the guy they’d found in the bush. He knew the chief would have called him if he’d found much but he needed to do something.

  At the station, Sawyer found that Dave was out on a call but Deputy Vi Hart was on duty.

  “Hey, Sawyer, how you doing?”

  He nodded in response to what shouldn’t have been a complicated question. “Anything
new on that guy we caught?”

  “He’s not talking and we haven’t got anything back on his prints so far.”

  Which probably meant he’d never been arrested and he wasn’t in the military or law enforcement. No surprise on any of those counts. A pro could have pegged him and Myla off hundreds of times out in the woods. Either this guy didn’t want to kill either of them or the thought of killing any human was tougher than expected.

  Normal people didn’t kill others.

  So was this guy closer to normal than crazy? And what did he want?

  “Has he said anything at all?”

  “Doesn’t think much of our accommodations and has a bit of a potty mouth but he hasn’t said anything helpful.”

  “Let me talk to him.”

  Vi twirled her pen in her fingers. Sawyer tried not to look desperate. Or pathetic.

  “Why not? Cameras are always on so everything you say and do will be recorded.”

  “I’m not going to do anything stupid.”

  “Sure hope not. Dave would be ticked if I had to arrest his buddy.”

  Sawyer followed Vi through a locked door that led to a half dozen small cells lined up along a wall. No windows in the room but the lights were on.

  Only one cell was occupied. The man sat on his cot staring at them as they approached.

  Something about him niggled at Sawyer’s memory. Something familiar but out of reach.

  For long moments the two men studied each other. The man was about six feet tall, average build. The angry set of his face appeared natural as if that was a default setting.

  Sawyer tried to imagine a happy smile on his face to see if he could trigger his memory. Nothing.

  “Do you know me?”

  The man spat at him through the bars but didn’t answer.

  Sawyer ran through his SEAL team in his head but the facial features didn’t resemble anyone. The only way this made any kind of sense was if this man was connected to the disaster in Afghanistan. Time to take a shot in the dark. “Which one was he?”

  The man’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion before he blanked his face. Maybe he wasn’t connected.

  For the next few minutes, Sawyer fired questions. Some rapid-fire, others with a pause. Anything to try to get another reaction. Nothing worked.

  Eventually, the man yawned and lay back on the cot, crossed his arms over his chest, and closed his eyes.

  Frustrated, Sawyer followed Vi back out to the main room. “Well, that was a waste of time, Sawyer. I hoped you might get something out of him. Most guys don’t clam up like this. Usually, they rant against the injustices that brought them here or cry about how they weren’t loved as a child.”

  Vi rolled her eyes but her words triggered thoughts of Myla. She hadn’t been loved as a child but she wasn’t out there causing damage. Nope. She was out there interacting, taking chances, pushing herself, loving life.

  With a nod to Vi, Sawyer headed back to his truck and debated his next move. The visit to the jail had done the opposite of settling him down and giving him answers.

  Sawyer headed back home but couldn’t face the inside of the house. Myla’s scent would be everywhere.

  What was he supposed to do with or without her?

  Firing up his sled, Sawyer headed across the lake, the dogs giving chase behind him.

  Sawyer didn’t follow a groomed trail, he needed to push away all the doubts swirling inside of him, so he chose to drive without a path. Maybe focusing on something challenging would give him a break.

  A couple of hours later, Sawyer pulled to a stop at the top of a rise.

  He’d long ago left the dogs behind but the confusion and frustration had stuck around.

  Sawyer pulled the ever-present binoculars out of the saddlebag and searched the area. He didn’t come this far all that often.

  Setting up the search pattern was second nature. Logical. Organized. Grid by grid. No room for the emotions trying to eat him up.

  Myla had opened up those emotions, broken through the walls he’d built so carefully after Afghanistan.

  Shutting emotions off had been the only way to survive. Even the shrinks had told him it was normal. Expected. Healthy.

  They’d also said he couldn’t stay in that neutral state forever but why not? It was comfortable.

  They’d insisted his emotions would surface again. He didn’t want to face that kind of pain again. No one should have to face that.

  The memories came like a tidal wave and crashed right on through the walls that Myla had cracked.

  Beaker. He’d only recognized one of his best friends because his dog tags had been laying on what had once been a body.

  Jones.

  Mustang.

  Yakker.

  Legs. Arms. Pieces of flesh and bone he couldn’t identify.

  Worse, so much worse, were the kids.

  And babies.

  What kind of monsters could decimate a village like that?

  How could they be human?

  The smells still woke him at night in a cold sweat.

  Trying to stop the barrage of images, Sawyer closed his eyes but it was no use. Memory after memory. Images, scents, emotions, pleas.

  This wasn’t like his other flashbacks. Sawyer knew he was sitting in the middle of nowhere Vermont on his sled even while the slideshow went on flickering from one horrific scene to the next.

  Holding hands of people as they breathed their last.

  Watching those final, desperate gasps.

  Hearing the death rattles.

  Feeling life ebbing away, soaking into the ground.

  Leaving him alone with the bodies, the memories, and an overwhelming need for revenge.

  Blood lust.

  He’d been nearly feral when he’d stumbled across another team in the hills a week later.

  And then he’d shut down.

  Shut off.

  Eventually, the slides slowed and Sawyer wiped his face of tears he hadn’t realized he’d been shedding.

  He blew out a deep breath and then a couple more.

  Nature wrapped him in her warm embrace and soothed him.

  And he sat there on his sled and let it happen.

  No running. No ignoring the past and the pain. Not this time.

  The slideshow kept moving but slowly new images forced their way in.

  Beaker creating yet another way to combine MREs.

  Yakker playing games with the Afghani kids and bringing out all the smiles.

  Mustang driving through mud holes with all the joy of a twelve-year-old riding his first ATV.

  They’d been determined to make the world a safer place for complete strangers.

  They’d bonded in the darkest of times.

  They were the very best of humanity. With their laughter and love and loyalty.

  They were gone.

  But he’d never forget them. They were part of him, part of their families too.

  Their legacies would continue.

  He’d make damn sure of it because, for the first time, Sawyer didn’t feel like the past was trying to destroy him.

  Maybe it was time for him to accept.

  Or maybe it was Myla.

  He’d never met anyone as fiercely full of life and courage as his little spitfire.

  His.

  She wasn’t his.

  Not unless he made some major changes.

  She was leaving.

  Movement caught his eye out to the northeast and Sawyer yanked the binoculars back up. A wolf bounded out from the pine trees, leaping up and down in the snow. Acting more than a little like Loco.

  Sawyer scanned the area but saw no other signs of humans. No danger.

  When he looked back, two more wolves had joined the first. Then another. They wrestled for a bit then chased each other up and down one of the snowy hills. Just like Yakker and those Afghani kids.

  For twenty minutes, the animals zipped in and out of the trees, pouncing on each other and having a blast i
n the snow.

  When they finally headed up and over the hill at some signal Sawyer didn’t understand, he was grinning like a fool.

  He couldn’t wait to tell Myla.

  That thought gave him pause. She was the first one in his mind, even before Darby.

  Well, if he was finally man enough to stop running from the past, he should be man enough to admit he was falling in love with her.

  Which meant he’d have to work his ass off to make sure she was falling too.

  #hercraziness

  Myla did her best thinking while she was walking, so she drove Freddy to the snowshoe trail she and Sawyer had taken on their second lesson.

  The trail was groomed and she had her bright red coat on so she wouldn’t be mistaken for a deer.

  She needed to clear her head.

  And her heart.

  Dinner at Fortini’s should have been wonderful. The owner, Mario, was the quintessential restaurateur and his wife guaranteed herself a spot in whichever afterlife she believed in for the absolute best lasagna on earth.

  But Myla couldn’t let go of the words she’d heard as Sawyer and Darby talked in the kitchen.

  Time limit.

  Nothing but a bit of fun.

  No big deal.

  Except to her, it was a big deal. And a whole lot more than a bit of fun.

  Most of her childhood had been spent in hospitals and then foster homes. She’d graduated from college and worked at a hundred different jobs.

  She’d met a lot of people over those years. Thousands and thousands.

  And not one of them pulled at her like Sawyer.

  She knew she was well and truly in love with him and now she had to decide what to do with that fact.

  The trail was clear before her and Myla wondered if Sawyer had taken care of it after their last episode out here. He was good at taking care of things and people even if he didn’t believe that.

  The temperature wasn’t any warmer than it had been the first day Myla arrived but it didn’t seem frigid anymore. The cool air kissed her cheeks and she didn’t even cover her mouth with her scarf.

  Of course, she’d get used to winter just as she was set to leave it in her rear-view mirror.

  Sudden tears pricked her eyes but she shoved them away and swallowed hard.